New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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