OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
