and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
