I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
