this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
