he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
