Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
