Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
A bitchslap is in order.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
