Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
