according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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