This is not my ceiling
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
