im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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