You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
