You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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