You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
