is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
