It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
