i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
