can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize