My room smells like vodka and shame
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
