I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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