STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
where are you?
Hypothermia
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
