I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
