If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Are my feet made of real feet?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
