i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Randomize
