I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
