im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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