apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
