A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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