im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
