can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize