THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
