I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
