Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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