and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
