I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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