i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
