You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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