youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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