just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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