someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
