I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
