i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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