Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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