you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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