I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I fill condoms, not promises.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
