Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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