Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
