my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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