I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
