Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
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