Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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