i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
