I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Randomize
