you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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