Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
