At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
