There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
