What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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