I accidentally had phone sex last night
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
