fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
