Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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