I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
