the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
